In Defense of Britney Spears

I never understood men and their scorn for sluts. A woman being kind enough to gift us with her body is something it seems we would want to encourage. Instead we discourage it by hurling as an insult a word that should be a delicious thank you.

I present to you Britney Spears, a woman who dedicated the prime years of her life to sculpting a majestic body and presenting it to us in an endlessly pleasing succession of images. I for one am grateful. Why all the scorn and vituperation?

The latest call to arms from you braying, judgemental asses out there is that she is a horrible mother. We've spent the last several months peering lewdly from the bushes outside her house, tremblingly brushing aside the curtains in her bedroom. How many of us could withstand that kind of scrutiny without ending up as a most wanted poster in the local supermarket?

I propose that an appropriate response would run along these lines: "Well now, many of us have almost killed our babies, and besides, she was once really hot, and she shared that hotness with us. Let it go." If you don't have the humanity to come to this reasoning naturally, consider that it would encourage gorgeous women YOU know to display their bodies in hope of mercy during their own fumbling motherhoods.

All this reminds me of the sad saga of Dan Quayle, who although really not bright enough to be Vice President (and was a Republican to boot!), never would have stood a chance anyway once the press attached en masse their tiny little teeth and wiggly little tongues to his stiff conservative ass. Everywhere he went, an unprecedented horde of hyenas followed him, holding its collective carrion breath for the next minute miscue. Has a VP ever before or after received such attention? Or been under such pressure? See the infamous spelling bee "potatoe" incident, in which the VP, relying on a queue card from the presenters, miscorrected a 12-year-old's correct spelling. The incident provided several years of sport for Democrats and the media, who always conveniently left out the presenters' part in the story. See Dan Quayle's version of the event.

However, while defending Dan Quayle, it would be unfair to the world if I did not rehash a few of his more famous bobbles:

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What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. [scrambling "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" in front of the United Negro College Fund]

I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future.

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.